Ever Been at Your End?

Ever been at your very end? Not knowing what to do next. You feel like you have given it your all yet all you get is nothingness? I know, this is deep. Maybe it is for you as it is for me. At some point you even question your own religion. If God is dead or was He even alive in the first place. You start leaning towards other “theories”. Lately I saw people sharing the smiling Buddha, that apparently sharing it brings you riches and all that, but does it? Are we humans so naïve and dependent that we look at other deities for satisfaction?

I was raised in a Christian family so if my mum saw this she’d whoop out the devil in me. Growing up, religion was the main thing. I used to lock myself up in my parent’s bedroom and listen to the Don Moen’s, Ron Kenoly’s, Lenny LeBlanc’s, and all the rest through those cassette radios that never left our parent’s bedroom (or was it just my parents?). I believed so much in religion until I started asking questions. Well, I didn’t know I was asking questions, I just thought I got carried away by the funkiness of secular music. Still, deep down I asked myself questions. Events that happened made me question things a lot. Like why should we go through this yet we serve a Provide, “PROVIDE!!!!!!!!”?

My transition from primary to high school, I prayed, didn’t get what I wanted and the 10, 000 shillings my uncle promised me just vanished and a kid who just finished primary, that was a lot of ice creams, yogurts, ngumus and some fine jeans and t-shirts may be one with a Sean Paul or Barcelona Emblem, I was a Stan for the two. Remember the days of Get Busy, Temperature, Barcelona’s fantastic four? Oh those were the days. Anyway, I thought that me failing KCPE was because I was anxious despite the fact that I used to attend morning devotion prayers in a church before the exams started, I even attended a mass and I’m not even Catholic. Or maybe I only did that because I was afraid of failing my parents, relatives, teachers, Sean Paul and ten thousand shillings but one important person I forgot about was myself. I wanted to please them, to not see that the time, amount and knowledge that they have given me doesn’t go to waste, as much as I was a cheeky person in school.

Not at any one point did I even think of religion and in high school, I only attended church because it was mandatory, you know being all rebellious shouting “Fuck everything” at everything, you know? The surprising thing was, for two years straight, I got “saved” during the C.U Challenge Weekend. The first one was genuine, I genuinely felt a calling, either that or I just wanted the attention. The second time was because there was this fine busty lass who came in one of the invited choirs. I was in an all-male school and seeing that, my hormones just shot up, tongue out and my tail wagging in excitement (For those perverts out there, tail wagging is an expression, like a dog, not what you think about). I knew she wouldn’t talk to me if I was a “sinner”, so I got saved and tell her I needed her guiding hand, O I was clever son of a gun, or so I thought. Long story short, it didn’t go as planned. I still never took religion seriously. I was a part of a gospel dance group called Stingerz, joined a couple of guys who we were all interested in music, gospel music but I used to get scared, a loot.

It was after I reached form 4 that I got this calling in me, for the first time I prayed and I cried out. Tears flowing freely down my cheeks. Not those forced ones. I cried unto the Lord. I honestly don’t know why I stopped, maybe because I thought they weren’t being answered. So I stopped and through the years after my high school, University, I still have those moments I cry unto Him and I get nothing.

Where I am currently, the questions have become even more intense. I get and feel like I am close to achieving something, I feel my fingertip on the surface of my desires and just like that, it disappears. I have grown frustrated. Ever had that feeling when you really close to getting something then it goes away from you? I have lost all hope. Nowadays even when I get close to something, I prefer to not get all hopeful, spares the feeling of disappointment not hitting hard on you. Being at that very edge thinking that maybe this world isn’t for you, that your life missing from it is the best thing. Most jumpers (suicide by jumping from a high place to your death) survivors say that the moment they jump off the edge, they instantly regret it. I think it is because they are afraid of dying, not being a part of this world. There are times when I have thought of it, going to the rooftop of where I live and jump off but I am afraid of heights so the temptation goes away even before I get close enough to the edge.

Feeling all the frustrations of this life, unemployed, and just drifting away from people can be tiring and it does feel like it should all end, and no God or smiling Buddha all in any other deity can help. So, if there’s a God out there, the one I grew up believing in, I need You, Help!